It is my belief that parents should give their children permission to verbalize all of their feelings—positive and negative. Unfortunately, very few parents allow their children to express their feelings. On the basis of this is the fact that they were not allowed when they were children.
First of all, being able to express emotions, especially negative emotions, makes the pressure cooker safe for people. valve replaces it. Just as the safety valve prevents the pan from jumping under pressure, being able to express emotions does the same for children. Secondly, there is no room for positive emotions in the child who keeps his negative emotions inside and cannot throw them out. Third, children, especially young children, suppress their positive emotions because they cannot choose only the negative ones. Fourth, if the child does not verbalize his negative feelings, negativity will emerge as another anti-social behavior…I remember getting very angry with the neighbor's son when I was eight years old; I had brought and emptied the trash cans in front of their house… Fifth, children who are not allowed to express their negative emotions cannot learn to express their emotions when they grow up… If you don't want your child to need a therapist when he grows up, give him the freedom to express all his emotions now.
I tried to explain to you that one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is the freedom to express their feelings. But in practice, there may be problems: You may be afraid that your child will get in trouble if he publicly expresses his feelings to his teacher or someone else. But children know very well how safe they are when expressing their feelings.
***
How do parents who give their children such freedom guide their emotions? In this case, the discipline method that I call the Passing Technique can be used:
What children most desire is to be understood by adults. But unfortunately, very few parents make an effort to understand their child. This is not because they are bad and callous; they do not try to understand their children; because no one has taught them its importance and how to apply it.
Thanks to the passing technique, this barrier between children and adults can be broken down.
The basics of this technique are quite simple. When your child reveals his feelings to you;
1. Listen carefully to what your child is saying.
2. Reframe what they are saying in your head.
3. Retell what your child has told you in your own words.
When parents use this technique, the child, who hears their own feelings from their mouth, thus makes sure that they are understood.
***
When children try to explain their unreasonable fears, it's bad for parents to ignore it. they have a temper. Let's see this example when the Passing Method is applied:
Timmy: Dad, I don't want to go to bed; because I am afraid of the dark.
Father: So you don't want to go to bed because you're afraid of the dark? Come sit on my lap and tell me.
Timmy: I am very afraid of the dark. I'm afraid that bad things will come and jump on me in the dark.
Father: You are afraid of the dark; because you can't see what the darkness hides. What if something suddenly pops up and jumps on me, you think.
The list goes on and on with scary things: monsters, snakes, rats… Each time, his father repeats what his son says in different words… (The boy finally gets tired listening to his father.)
Timmy: Daddy, maybe these aren't really such terrible things. Well, I'm going to sleep now. Will you cover me?
Father: It's good we talked. Of course I cover it. Goodnight.
Most parents do not know what to do when their children are caught in silly fears. Usually, they try to discourage their children from these fears through reason and logic. As a result, they get angry because their efforts are wasted, while their children feel that they are not understood.
With this method, you can show your child that you understand, by repeating your feelings to him. When using the passing method, you can start your sentences like this: So that's how you feel... So you're afraid of him... So you're angry about it...or as I understand it… etc. In the passing method, the child is not asked why he feels this way; their feelings are accepted as they are; your own feelings are not involved, his feelings are spoken; only if he/she expresses himself/herself is answered, no questions asked; if he stays silent, you must be silent too.
I have a shrewd way of teaching this method to fathers… I ask them if they have been dealing with difficult people at work. If they say yes – and most of them do – I suggest they talk to these difficult people at work using the Passing method. The success of this method at work allows it to be used at home as well.
Many parents complain that they feel like an idiot who repeats everything they are told while learning this method. We all naturally feel a little uncomfortable when learning something new, so don't worry. As you gain experience, you will start to feel more comfortable and you will overcome the feeling of repeating everything you say.
The best age to start practicing the passing method is three years old. Be careful not to repeat the words your child says exactly… If you repeat the children's feelings with your own words, the method will work one hundred percent. The child will know that his parents understand him, even if he does not show any visible change every time.
If I could teach parents only one discipline method, I would definitely choose the Passing method. I think the most important rule is to keep the communication channels open between parents and children, to show that they are understood and that their feelings and thoughts are respected. The passing method also strengthens the mutual respect between parents and children.
Fitzhugh Dodson – “Discipline with Love”
